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09:15pm 17/05/2007
12:38am 16/11/2006
  No one comments on here anymore. Fuckers....lol  
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06:30pm 13/09/2006
mood: sad
Life basically sux right now.

I feel like I have lost my bestfriend, which I guess is what he was, knew me better than anyone else. Spent every waking moment together. I donno, maybe that was the problem just too much time together. I mean, he seems to be quite happy now with this boy who lives an hour away. Maybe had we had some space like that it wouldn't have ended this way.

I just wish I could talk to him one last time. I feel like there's so much that hasn't been said, especially on my part. Heaven forbid anyone read this......."I'm Sorry." Look, I said it. That's what I really want to tell you. And I'm sorry for hurting you. Physically, Emotionally....
I know I like to think I'm ALWAYS right, but on the inside I know I'm not and there are so many things that I've done which I know I don't deserve to be forgiven for, but I just wanted to tell you to your face that I am Truly sorry and I never meant to hurt you.
I will always Love you that's never going to change. I'm just tired of playing these games because it's tearing me apart on the inside. Seeing you with him.... It kills me. and I hate it. But if that's what you really want than I can accept that. I just wish you would talk to me, that's all I want. I hate knowing that I can't just call you to talk or message you or even talk to you in class. It hurts.

I just feel as if I've been completely written off by you, and if you ever really cared than you wouldn't be doing this. Makes me question whether you ever cared at all... I miss you. and I miss Karma. Just know that I am still here.

06:57pm 10/09/2006
mood: pensive
So, the way in which people just throw the word Love around really annoys the hell out of me. I don't know if it's just because of the point in our lives that we all are, but for me that word actually means something. It's like the word is devoid of all meaning whatsoever. Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but I feel like it takes a while to actually LOVE someone. It's not something that just happens over the course of a few weeks. I know I'm probably not the best person to be complaining about this because I supposedly have problems with showing emotions. Although, sometimes I think that it's not that I have problems showing emotions, because I sure the hell have them! haha
I really think that it just takes time to completely open up to someone, and at that point I think you can truly Love someone. And that should take time. Why would you make yourself vulnerable to a complete stranger? Run the risk of having your heart ripped apart. It's hard to open up, and when you finally feel that you can it's an amazing feeling. Although it hurts even more to lose that.
I donno, I guess what I'm saying is people need to think about what they're saying before they go throwing around those 3 words, because they are more than just words and you don't want to hurt anyone or yourself because it basically sucks guys.

It's just observing the way that other people act just makes me want to vomit in my mouth a little bit sometimes...lol

I mean, come on now. You're obviously not in Love, it's Lust...
Just some words of wisdom and guidance...haha
01:44am 03/08/2006
mood: confused
I don't even know what I want anymore....
05:45pm 22/06/2006
mood: confused
So, this has been one of the most confusing days ever. I checked my facebook when I got home, as I always do because I'm obsessed with it, but anyway I checked it and I had a comment from Nathan. Hmm, a comment from Nate!? WTF!??!?!?!?!?!?! Once again I say WT FREAKIN F!? We have not spoken in God knows how long, because I know I sure the hell have no idea when the last time I spoke to him was. So yea, he left me a comment with his # and well, frankly I wasn't going to call and figured if he wanted to talk to me that he'd just call me because my # was on my profile. But I realized that my # actually is not on there, so of course I put it for weirdos to call me, because hey at least I'd be getting some kind of attention...lol

So yea, he calls me within like 10 mins as I'm on the phone with Derick and I click over and answer. So, we talk for like 20-30 mins about stuff just catchin up and talkin about old times. He's apparently doing well and has a good job and another 4 runner...lol It was a kind of awkward conversation, but it felt good to talk to him. He's a good kid and I care about how him. I asked him what the fuck made him call me, and he said that he was talking to Jenny today and she said she had talked to me. Although, the last time that I even remember speaking to her was months ago after the storm...strange.....

Well, I was a bit caught off guard by that conversation, so I called Derick back to discuss.....
He answers, and I start to give him the story, about what Nate when he cuts me off and is like, "I really don't care" which I figured was just Derick being emo...fucker... But he continued to say that he didn't care and the only thing I call him for is to vent with my problems, which is definitely not true and I called him on it. And then I hung up b/c I was pissed off.

So, as I was about to remove him from my top 8 on myspace to show how angry I was....lol He calls back, and I answer with a smug "YES!?" And I proceed to tell him about how mean that was and how he's been avoiding me. Then he says that it's just tough for him to hear about things like that. And I was like "huh?" And then he says "It's just tough for me to hear about these things, BC I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT!"

WOAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Didn't see that one coming.

So, I sat i silence for like 2 minutes and told him I had no idea what was supposed to say, and he said he didn't either. And then he said, well call me back when u think of anything, and we hung up.
Now, might I ask where does this drama come from? Is a magnet for it? I mean, I didn't cause any of this. I don't go to splash...lol
I just don't know I can't handle all this right now, Damn you LJ! Ugh, Im going to workout.

Oh, and Leonard pisses me off too. The End.
01:12am 14/06/2006
mood: irate
Ok, so people just make me so fucking angry sometimes. I mean like fucking furious! Like I want to take a fork and stab them in the eye. At this moment, it's those fucking people who are hiding behind a facade of "straightness." This would basically be every gay man at Louisiana fucking State Univseristy... I swear, every boy at this fucking school is straight as they come on campus, but as soon as Thursday night fucking rolls around you see every fucking one of the motherfuckers at splooge! I honestly feel like I'm back in high school, it's a bit ridiculous. Can we be anymore confused about who the fuck we are? I mean seriously, we're in college now, do you not know who the fuck you are?

I guess this just pisses me off so much, because I feel like I know who I am, and I have for a long time. I hate these stupid as people who are so concerned with what other people think, that they let it influence, and control their own lives and their own happiness. Is it really worth sacrificing that for people to think that you're straight? And why would you want someone to think that you're something that you're not anyway? I think it's sad... no, PATHETIC! These people are pathetic and definitely not worth my time or anyone else’s. Are you ashamed of who you really are? Because you should be ashamed of the way that you’re acting. You have no fucking balls and are living a complete lie.

These people make me completely sick to my stomach. Everyone already knows that you're gay even though you're "secretly" dating a guy. When you're with someone everyday and never have a girlfriend or have an over abundance of girlfriends...haha Or even if you do have a girlfriend (which by the way is even more fucked up), PEOPLE KNOW! So, why don't you just suck it up, and stop lying to yourself and everyone else. YOU'RE GAY!  Fuckin' Fags...
05:49pm 05/06/2006
mood: melancholy
Life sux, at least my dog Loves me... Or does she? =(
08:42pm 01/04/2006
mood: hopeful
Well, if tonight continues in the pattern of the previous 2 then if my calculations are correct and the wind is blowing from the N, and it's 75 degrees, then...... I will be drunk in T minus 45 mins and counting... lol
I have been putting the drunk pants on again and it's fun, Im sure that my liver doesn't agree, but he's a debbie downer anyway!

So, this afternoon I had it out with Ross, wow, big surprise, because that NEVER happens... *rolls eyes* So, we are now officially JUST FRIENDS. and by just friends I mean a purely platonic, no strings attached friendship. I don't really know how this is going to work out, he looked pretty pissed but that may have just been his usual demeanor. For anyone that is reading this that knows Ross you know what I mean. lol

The Love life is still as confusing as ever.
I think this may be the reason why I don't get involved with people who are "bisexual." As the facebook groups says it is the gateway to gaydom, and everyone that claims to be so is just confused about who they are. This boy is so confused that he is confusing me!!! He plays so hott and cold it's not even funny. He calls me ALL THE TIME, and he'll be very flirtatious one minute, but then the next be very standoff-ish. Maybe he just needs to borrow my drunk pants and it'll all be good.

So, this upcoming week is going to completely SUCK! Mon=Bio test, Tues=Poli Sci Test. Have I read anything? about 6 pages of bio, and that's all. Im sure I have other random shit due this week, which will just complicate things more, plus the added bonus of Ross Drama & Leonard Confusion.

At least at the end of this week is the light at the end of the tunnel which is Spring Brizzle. I'm supposed to be going to visit Michael in Miami with Ross.. HAHAHA This is going to be completely awkward, hopefully not. Maybe if I just turn to my trusty friend Mr. Jager it will all be tolerable and I'll get to see Michael and have a drama free, fun, completely stupidly drunk, MTV-esk, springbreak...

02:08am 25/03/2006
mood: listless
Blah, there should definitely be a mood available that says just "blah."  I don't know what's going on with me, but I feel so lost, like I have no place, niche, etc... I try not to think about home, or friends, or the fam but of course this is impossible to do. I miss nola. I miss TJ's, the Samurai, uptown, fresh seafood, downtown, hand grenades, bums, the pub, GOO FOOD!, Audubon Park, The lakefront, A&F store 715, etc, etc, etc.
I just want everything to be like it was. School to have just started living with JB and the roomies in the Robert Street house having crazy parties and being carefree. Alas, this is not what fate had in store for me. Curse you! Obviously , the universe hates me and I'm being punished, it's the only logical explanation. In addition to all this shit that is ever-present in my mind there is also the Ross issue. Together, not together, kind of together, ummmmmm tooooogggggg, not! not! ok! wait no..... ok we're not. lol
We're officially not, but yet he still acts as if we are.... hmmm ok then.

And to add to this confusion of course there's more, b/c it just wouldn't be my life without more D-rama. A new boy enters the equation. Someone I did not even know was gay, or bi or whatever the  hell he is. *Shakes head*  Do I go with the new boy who is new and fresh, but has no idea of what he wants or who he is, or with the complete polar opposite which is Ross. Ross and I just don't get along so much! And this new boy is intriguing on so many different levels. I guess we'll see where this goes...
12:46pm 21/04/2005
mood: apathetic
I think I'm just going to continue to be, as Marie says a "Cold-hearted bitch that doesn't open up to anyone". It's just so much easier that way. People seem to desire you more and YOU never get
hurt. It's so selfish, but isn't everyone else?
So Fucked up!   
02:41am 21/04/2005
mood: exhausted
Tuesdays are the best!   
12:59pm 08/03/2005
mood: refreshed
NO CLASS TODAY! Ok, so it seems like my livejournal updates are going to be once a week, which should make for some entertaining reading b/c they are all going to be REALLY random..lol Anyway, this weekend I drove my little neon over to Lafayette for Stecky's B-day which was so fun. Almost got arrested, had plenty of alcohol, and was with a hott boy, sounds like this weekend was complete to me! Lauren and Liz were at their sorority thing until like 9:45, which was ok with me since I got there at like 9. As soon as I got there Meghan and I started taking shots. She had captain morgan, and I had Jager and Goldschlager compliments of Yanna...(Thanx Yanna!) So, we take some shots and I decide that we need to go and get Lauren's present out of my car.

So, Meghan, Ryan, and myself go down to my car and I open the truck and they both star laughing as I pull out a ginormous BUMP construction sign. I figured it would remind ya of home Stecky =P. I took it from St. Bernard Hwy in the middle of the night..lol Well, we start to walk back to the apartment when we're stopped by UL's University Policy who  interrogate us about as to where we got the sign. Well, as soon as they get up to uss Meghan automatically drops the sign, so it looks like Im the only one holding it(Thanx a lot!). I told them it was for a friend's B-day and I got it at a garage sale(haha). Meghan didnt have her ID on her so they made us go back up to the room to get it. As we're walking, we realize omg THERE'S A CRAP LOAD OF ALCOHOL in the apartment and this is a DRY CAMPUS!...lol

Well, Meghan sees Kevin's room mate on the way there and tells him to call Kevin to hide the alcohol. We get to the apartment and they come in and Meghan gets her ID and narrowly escapes the cops seeing a bottle of Captain Morgan's on the Bar..lol They take us outside and call in info from our ID's...no idea why.. The whole time this was going on I had the biggest stupid smile on my face b/c I knew they weren't going to do anything. They kept saying how this was "stolen property"..blah blah blah.. Anyway, the guy gives us our ID's back and says well, just keep it down at this party, and then looks at the other rent-a-cop and says
do you want to carry this back down? Then they both just walk back down the stairs.... Score! We got the sign!..lol We bring it inside and I wipe off all the Chalmette dirt from it and have everyone sign it.

Well, Liz & Lauren finally get there and Meghan and I have both had quite a few shots at this point. People start coming and we just keep taking shot...lol  Eventually Lorenzo calls me and I give the phone to Liz to give him directions on how to get to the apartment. He eventually gets there and goes to the wrong Vermilion complex..lol  He finally gets to the party and I introduce him to Lauren, Liz, Meghan and whoever else was there. We bust out the Goldschlager since apparently Lorenzo likes it so much. Personally, I'll stick with my Jager so easy to shoot and sooo good.lol  I was the unofficial DJ for the night b/c I kept playing Abercrombie music. Well, I get sufficiently wasted the extent of this party(not as bad off as Meghan...LOL) but pretty tipsy. Apparently I felt Liz up, which I do remember but it wa sin no way sexual which was why it was so funny.. Sorry Liz..lol I know you're disappointed.

Well, after we were at the party for a good while we decide that we're going to go out. Lorenzo & I get in his Benz and are on our way to the Keg which I have never been to only to find out that it had been raided..Guess it's a good thing we didnt get there any earlier than we did. So, we're both starving at this point so we just go to Caine's to get some food and just go back to his house and pass out ..=P 

Wake up the next morning and his mom cooks us breakfast..she's so sweet. He has to go to work and Lauren and Liz are at some sorority crap again so I decide that Im going to work on my psych paper. He drops me off at CC's and I sit with my coffee and work on my paper for a good 3 hours, which was probably the best thing that I could have done. I'm so responsible..(hahaha) I go back to Liz & Lauren's when Im done and Lauren and I take a much needed nap while Liz goes back to the sorority house. We wake up and just watch tv and I eventually talk to Lorenzo and decide that we're all tired and just want to watch a movie. So, we spoon on the couch and watch Sweet Home Alabama. Such a cute movie....
I walk him to his car and we make out for a while...=) Talk about our plans for next weekend which I can not wait for. Samantha's party is going to be kickass, b/c Samantha is kickass of course!Then I go back up and climb in Liz'z bed...haha We talked for a little while and I eventually just go pass out on the sofa.

Sunday, wake up at like 10, Lorenzo comes by after Church b/c I forgot to give him back his internet cord from the previous day. I say my goodbyes to Liz & Lauren...I miss you guys already =(.... And drive to Baton Rouge where I meet up with Meg who I haven't seen in forever... She's turned into such a little party animal since she's gotten to LSU. Well, actually since we've graduated. We go to the mall and I get my shorts for Samantha's party! It was so good to see her and her room mate is really cool. I need to go visit her more often. Well, I make the last hour of driving home and talk to Shannon who asks me if I want to go to see Constantine when I get in at 10.

I pick her and some other Loyola peeps up @ like  9:30, probably a little bit later than that and Speed my ass all the way to Elmwood just in time for the movie! We meet up with Paul who saved seats for us. The movie was really good, I recommend it. Finally get my ass home after the movie and pass out after a long weekend only to rest up for the one that's coming...LOL

Finally an update   
11:31am 01/03/2005
mood: bouncy
Ok, so I had a blast this weekend in Houston, and still don't really feel like I'm back home despite the fact that I went to class yesterday. The clubs are so much better than anything we have here in New Orleans and it just felt good to get away from this fucking place, if only for a weekend. Spent the night at Lorenzo's Fri night and left Sat morning. Went to the galleria, got some awesome Pumas and a hat and got pretty tipsy on shots of Jose and hit the Rent part & South Beach... SO much fun. The music was great, and I mad e Lorenzo burn me some cd's when we got back Sun..haha I just can't get out of the mind set of being on vacation, I can't wait for Spring break!

I skipped volunteering today, I'm just not motivated to drive my happy ass uptown to go work at the ARC today, maybe later this week, but not today. I donno, think Im going to Running at Versailles & then maybe go catch some lunch. Supposed to go and see Roni's baby Lexton with Huong SPam later and Chris wants me to go work out with him later this afternoon. I got an A on my English paper which is awesome considering everyone else in my class got like C's.(Downward Social Comparison) I'm such a nerd, Im sure I got an A on my Social test too seeing as I can apply the concepts in my livejournal...lol

Now that I think about it I need to go to the Crombie to print out my schedule and get my discount on some stuff. I'm sure I'll think of like 20 other things I need to do as the day goes by, Im so absent minded. Speaking of, I had the weirdest dream last night. I was driving in the Chal towards the square for some reason and there was a playground there(which in real life there is not) and I think my family was all there and but the one person that I do remember being there was Nathan which is strange and we talked. It was an odd dream to say the least, I just remember it going from that scene to me walking in a restaurant with Michelle & Ashley sitting down together and I pulled up a chair. At this point, I proceeded to wake up.

But yea, I can't wait for this weekend and Im not sure if I'ma llowed to say quite yet, I'll have to confirm with someone's name that I can't say bc it would give whatever Im talking about away. Well, damn it Megan just informed me that Stecky knows we're having a party..lol SO yea PARTY FOR STECKLER! See you on Friday babe... Well, it's already 11, so Im thinking I should get out of bed and put something else on besides boxers..haha

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04:08pm 04/12/2004
  Pursuit* what happened to livejournal?!?! the spellcheck no longer works! lol Sorry, OCD moment.  
04:07pm 04/12/2004
mood: productive
Well, I've decided that boys are stupid(which I already knew) and that I'm not goin to even worry about having a relationship b/c it seems like the more I want one and the more that I go out in pursit of one the less luck I have and the more I get hurt. Thanks for the advice Mikey! and Summer..lol  But yea, I'm going to take some time off from boys and work on myself. How cheesy does that actually sound, extremely! but it's so true that if you're not happy with yourself how can you really expect to be happy with anyone else, and I am obviously not happy with myself.

As I'm typing this Im seeing those stupid flyers that Brandon's RA put up in the bathroom about workig on yourself..lol Maybe he has a point, he is hott.. Damn it! no boys...lol  I really need to start concentrating more on my studies and other more important things anyway. Boys & Alcagol seem to be the biggest two distractions in my life anyway. I have to start actually paying attention in Calculus since I obviously haven't been trying at all. So, Im going to be spending the night writing my personal mission statement for psych, which shouldn't take all night but I have my priorities in order. I look at it as, If I don't have any plans yet then I won't have anything to distract me from the paper...lol

I'll probably do something afterwards but it won't be anything too involved, aka Im not going to go out and get drunk! So far my day has been pretty lax, I finished catching up with the OC, and was very excited when there was an episode with Chris..hehe I know I'm completely obsessed with this show but I can't help it it's addictive. But ah yes, the paper calls since I have yet to do anything but type this life journal and respond to a few IM's so I guess this is my goodbye, this is my sundown...

09:01pm 03/12/2004
mood: lonely
Well, it's been a long time since I actually updated this thing but just from looking at my new icon you can get soooo much...lol I no longer work at the fucking RA I work at the AF!!! WOO HOO I Love my job, that's probably the first time that I think I've ever been able to say that. Oh, and I'm starting to watch TV again, and by watching tv I mean I watch the OC..lol It's all Megan's fault! I was thoroughly apposed to watching it until she made me watch like 4 hours of it straight on dvd and now Im hooked... I went out and bought the first season and I burned the first 3 episodes of the second season discs so I won't be behind when Thursday comes around.  Chris Carmack....*drools*

I had the most crazy drunken night last night. Went to the Twi for the weekly 80's nite and got really tipsy, but after that we went to F&M's and then to the Palms. By the time we got back to campus, I was ready to pass out and never wake up..lol Of course Marie being the absent minded girl she is left her ID in the room so she had to cal the ogre to let us in, and of course she was pissed b/c I was sleeping there and made a big deal out of it saying that I couldnt stay.. BUT TOO BADD! cause I did. Had Psych & Philosophy today and i think i may have fallen asleep in philosophy for a little while but oh well.

I donno, still single. =( Oh, and Lorenzo is talking to his ex again. =( =( Double sad face. ugh, I think this may call for some drowning of my sorrows with some OC time... I probably should start my psych paper but iI really don't feel like it and there's also the matter of changing my major which is turning out to be a PAIN IN THE ASS! I just wish everything was easy and that I was happy. Is that too much to ask for? I want to Chris to propose to me and everything will be ok... *Sigh*

fitting...It is my favorite movie.   
03:55pm 16/07/2004
mood: amused
Fight Club!

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla
haha, that's so me..   
04:51pm 06/07/2004
mood: giggly
pretty boy
You Are The Pretty Boy

What Type Of Gay Man Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Happy B-day Sweet <3...   
11:59pm 05/07/2004
mood: peaceful

Started the day with some shopping with the G-maw, I got a Kenneth Cole belt that is really cool, some awesome ties to wear for 80's night on Thursday, a new wallet, and a B-day present for Chad. I was so mad when I was shopping because everything that I wanted to buy for myself was in his size!! That is grossely unfair...

My G-maw wanted me to go out to eat with She and my dad later after we went shopping, but I told her that one of my friends was having a party in Biloxi so that I could go to Hattiesburg and see Chadwick..lol I left at about 6 and it seemed like it took forever to get there. I'd never drivern to Hattiesburg so it was an experience for me. When I finally got there Chad was waiting outside waving to me..hehe I was so excited to see him, but kind of nervous to meet his firends.

We went inside his apartment and I met his roomates, and got to see his room. We changed into our bathing suits and went to the pool. When we got to the pool I got to meet his bestfriend Angela, and as Im getting into the pool I realized that I had my cell phone in my pocket, which ended up getting full of water and no longer works. Oh well... We swam and drank beer for a while and tried to get into the hot tub but it was full of so much chlorine that you couldn't breathe.

His friends were all really cool, Curt was a little strange...lol Though Chad said the same thing about him..haha Im curious to know what they thought about me, but I guess I'll have to wait to findd that out. Had to be straight in front of his friends, which was really hard to do considering Chad was a few inches away from me most of the night and kept grabbing my hand under the water..hehe He kept wrestling with me in the pool and I told him I was going to dunk him, and he said I had to kiss him under water if I did..He didn't get a kiss...hehehe

After we finished swimming, we went back to change and went over to Angela's apartment and ordered pizza..mmmmm We ate Dominos and played Scene It for a about an hour. Chad and I were on a team and we were so kicking ass, I knew all of the soundtrack questions and if there wouldv'e been a Cruel Intentions question, Chad would've gotten it...lol We so would've won but I had to leave..=( We were in 2nd place!  He and I went back to his apartment to get my stuff and I gave him is B-day present..=) He really liked it.. I got him a shirt from Abercrombie that I wanted Damn it!

I got all my crap together and he walked me to my car. I kissed him goodbye and started to drive off..I purposely drove off the wrong way, cause I know he'd come running after me, turned my car around, pulled next to him laughing, and we said goodbye again. I then started the long drive home...

Happy B-day Babe... *kiss*